


Life Sucks And Then You Die, If You're Lucky

by aldreikynn



Category: Transformers: Prime, Transformers: Robots in Disguise (2015)
Genre: Gen, good old fashioned angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 07:22:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5996710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aldreikynn/pseuds/aldreikynn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>god i forgot i wrote this its been simmering in my google docs for ages?? anyway. bumblebee decides to pay an old friend a visit. sad for the sake of being sad, honestly. sorry not sorry, but mostly sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Life Sucks And Then You Die, If You're Lucky

It's impractical and unnecessary for Cybertronians to bury their dead. Humans do, though. Bumblebee always found it kind of strange. Reuniting with the earth that created you by submerging your lifeless corpse in it, and becoming part of it somehow. Weird.

000

"Bee?" Rafael looked up hesitantly at Bumblebee. He tugged on his baggy shirt sleeve a little nervously.

"[Yeah, kiddo?]"

"What happens when you die?" Raf asked, his voice hushed. "Cybertronians, I mean."

Bee's optics widened and he beeped curtly, immediately looking away from Raf. "[Doesn't matter. I'm not going to die. None of us are, Raf. Not any time soon.]"

000

"And you're going to _middle-of-nowhere,_ Nevada again– alone this time–... why?" Sideswipe gave Bee a confused look.

"Uh... Direct orders from Cybertron?" Bumblebee shrugged. "Really high concentration of 'con activity. In Jasper." He tried to nonchalantly slide an old beat-up RC car into his storage space.

"You're a terrible liar, Commander." Strongarm crossed her arms over her chest, shifting her frame to lean on one leg more than the other. "Why would they send you in alone? And why are you bringing a _toy?"_

"Alright, you got me." Bumblebee sighed. "I'm just, uh... Visiting an old friend."

000

"I'm not worried. I'm just _curious_." Raf scooted in closer, still looking up expectantly. "Were there Cybertronian graveyards or anything?"

"[That's a little illogical for a massive mechanical race, huh?]" Bee chirped a little, trying to ease his nervousness. "[Nah. Lifeless frames got kind of... _recycled?]_ "

"Morbid," Raf breathed, shaking his head quickly and adjusting his glasses. "Miko would call that _metal_ , I think."

"[It _is_ morbid, thinking about it compared to humans. Yeah.]" Bee's optics lulled a little. "[Old age isn't really an issue for Cybertronians, it's kind of, uh... You just live. Unless something happens.]"

"You get killed."

"[Yeah.]"

000

The road to Jasper was familiar. Refreshingly so, almost. Memories came back in pleasant flashes. The Nevada sunset kissed Bee's frame warmly. He wasn't sure why he'd waited so long to come back, or even, really, why he was there now.

000

"Well, humans only last a little while compared to you. Hundred years tops, maybe."

"[I, uh... I don't want to think about death or dying with you, Raf. Could we talk about something else?]"

"I'm not a _baby_ , Bee. I can talk about this stuff. I know it's gonna happen someday, why dance around it?"

"[Rafael. Don't think like that.]"

"Think like what? Like we're all immortal? You just said you weren't going to die. That no one was. But Cliffjumper died before I even met him, didn't he? You're not immortal. I'm not immortal. We're all going to die sometime."

"[That's _enough_.]" Bee's fists clenched as he pressed the apertures of his optics shut and gave a few short commanding beeps, his head turning away from the small human. He paused, his frame becoming less tense. "[I'm... I'm sorry, Raf.]"

"It's okay. I'm sorry, too. I crossed a line."

"[No, it's... It's my fault. You're right. We can't all live forever.]"

000

He did know why he was there, actually. Bumblebee _missed_ Nevada. As boring as it was, it was home, and as unbelievably cliché as it sounded, Team Prime was family. He swerved off the dim road and transformed, moving somewhere out of the way to stretch his root mode a bit. The familiar feeling of dust was welcomed back into the seams of his pedes, the hot dry air settling around him, almost as if it was becoming reaccustomed to his presence.

It was late. The sun had gone down for the day, leaving the Nevada deserts arid and feeling even more empty than usual. Bee found a little out-of-the-way spot, transforming back into vehicle mode and drifting into an unsound recharge.

000

"So, uh..." Raf broke the silence. "Did you have funerals?" He took his glasses off, polishing them with his baggy sleeves.

"[...A long time ago, I think. Before I came online, during the war. While I was on Cybertron, there really wasn't a whole lot of time to stop and remember those we'd lost individually.]" Bumblebee shifted, wringing his servos anxiously.

"What did you do, then? You said no one was buried. Being, like, compounded or something seems far too harsh."

"[Uh... We'd honor their passage to the Allspark with a little bit of murmuring and silence. Promise to do good of their memory.]" Bee laughed a little, looking down at his pedes. "[There was this thing a friend of mine from Cybertron said, almost incessantly. It was this old phrase... Religious roots, I think. Had to do with all becoming one or something.]"

"Neat." Raf paused. "Uh. I mean, really sad, but still kind of neat? Sorry."

"[You're fine. It's kind of silly and science-fictiony, isn't it?]" The mech chirped a little. "[No one lives forever, but memories can live on, you know?]"

000

Bumblebee hadn't needed to use his holomatter avatar for quite some time. It was still functional and all, and he hadn't bothered to update or change the template Raf had made for him after so many years. Still, though, without a passenger– a _friend_ to drive with through the twists and turns of the roads through tiny town of Jasper, he felt lonely. He would much rather walk.

The thing clicked on, greeting Bumblebee with a painfully familiar pointy-haired twelve-and-a-quarter year old. A little out of date, but still... His optics softened as his reflection glinted off the avatar's red-rimmed glasses.

"Hey," Bee sighed as he waved a hand at the projection, as if he'd expected for it to respond.

It mimicked the mech's movements jerkily, still booting up. Its eyes fluttered, and it rushed through a few expressions and sounds.

"Still works, huh?"

000

"Yeah! Memories and all. No one's ever truly gone as long as you remember them." Rafael smiled a bit, glancing up at Bee. "You'll remember me, right? I mean, if you go back to Cybertron."

"[Of course! How could I forget _you_ , kiddo?]" Bumblebee extended a loosely balled fist gently over to Raf, letting him bump it with his own. "[You're _way_ too important to forget.]"

000

Bee's avatar sat quietly, swirling the joysticks on the little toy car's controller. The thing buzzed around almost as excitedly as Bumblebee had through the dirt. He swung his legs idly back and forth on an old park bench, admiring the town and sighing occasionally. An old woman came and sat down next to him, taking a moment to observe him curiously.

"You remind me of a boy who used t' live around here. Uncanny, kind of. Same baggy clothes, same glasses, same hair. Y'could be twins." The woman tapped her glasses. "You aren't, are you?"

Bee froze. He didn't anticipate being recognized, even though he really should have. "Funny." His legs stopped swinging, and he drove the toy back over and set it down next to the controller.

"Didn't know him, then. Sad, what happened to 'im." She sighed.

His eyes widened and his avatar template glitched a little. _"...What happened to him?"_

000

"What if something happens to me?"

"[Raf?]"

"I mean, all this running around and getting into scrapes and stuff. Humans aren't exactly as _resilient_  as Cybertronians."

"[We won't let anything happen to you.]" Bee's servos trembled a bit. _"[I won't let anything happen to you.]"_

000

"Few years back, uh... Kid got sick," the woman sighed. "Bad. He was young. He was only around seventeen when he... Yeah."

The avatar's eyes widened again. "Oh." Static filled his voice, and he trembled.

"Big family and all, but he was the youngest, I think." She looked at her nails quietly, shuffling her feet a little. "Like I said, sad. Tragic, even."

"What was it?" Bee choked out. "That he got.

"I don't know, exactly. I don't think anyone did. Some kind 'a crazy radiation thing... Never seen it before, apart from these two other kids. They were older, though. Didn't hurt them as bad."

Bee buried his face in his hands, the template glitching wildly and buzzing in a long high-pitched tone.

000

"I hope nothing happens to _you_ , at least." Raf smiled a little, slugging the mech on the servo.

"[Pfft.]" Bee nudged him back with a gentle chirp.

000

"Y'seem kinda broken up. Did you know him?" The woman huffed a little, looking away from Bee. "Yer a little young to have known him too terribly well."

"Uh, no." Bee stared down at his feet. Raf had rigged the avatar's shoes to be as ill-fitting as his own were. It was really an uncanny clone. Bee looked away quickly, the memories hurting him too much. "I didn't know him. It's just really sad."

"I understand, yeah."

000

"[I'm tough, Raf.]" Bumblebee looked over to Raf, his optics glowing warmly. "[Don't worry, skiddo. As long as I'm here? There isn't much I can't protect you from.]"

"What happens when you leave, though?" Raf sighed.

000

"He died here, you know. In Jasper." The woman remained detached. "Buried him around here as well. Bishop Nathaniel cemetery. Few miles off." She jerked her head towards the road. The avatar stood up silently, turning to the woman and nodding a curt thank-you. "Sorry to have brought you down like that, kid. A little heavy, huh?"

"Yeah. No, it's... It's fine." Bee's avatar stared at the ground for a moment. He grabbed the controller and the little car, pulling them in close to his chest. "Bye."

000

"[Sorry?]"

"When you leave. Miko and Jack and me were talking about it, and... You're going to leave someday. You, Optimus, Ratchet, everyone. You'll leave and go back home."

"[Raf, I...]"

"I know." Rafael stopped the mech's concerned beeping. "It's fine. I know you'll leave Earth eventually."

"[I don't want to leave.]" Bee gave a whining beep. "[I don't want to leave Earth, or you, or Jack and Miko, or June... or anyone.]"

Raf sat quietly for a moment, staring at the base's walls. "I don't want you to leave."

000

Bee's avatar took off in a full sprint through Jasper, running back to the alley where his vehicle mode sat in recharge. He flung open the door, climbing in and slamming it behind him. He tossed the car and its controller into the backseat.

Bumblebee deactivated his holoavatar, transforming immediately and readjusting jerkily to his frame. He collapsed and sat down, leaning against the back wall and pulling his legs close into his chest. His whole frame trembled violently.

000

Bee looked down at his pedes, synthesizing a little sigh. "[I know.]" He clicked his digits idly. "[If something happened to you while I was gone, I don't think I'd be able to forgive myself.]"

"Oh, hush. It wouldn't be your fault."

000

"This is my fault," Bee breathed to himself through choked sobs.

Everything felt wrong. The Nevada sun on his frame usually made him glow, but now it melted straight through his spark and burned inside and out. His tanks churned and his vocalizer strained and glitched, the choppy whines and coughs he gave hurting him much more than just emotionally. He sat there for a long time, fading in and out of grieving stages as day turned to night.

" _This is my fault._ "

000

"[Without someone to protect you, Raf? You're vulnerable. It's a dangerous world.]"

"Bee. I'm not a frikkin' two year old." Raf shied away a little, grimacing.

"[I know. I know! It's just... I worry.]"

"You don't have to worry. I'll be just fine here without you." Raf shifted a little. "I'll miss you, though."

Bee hesitated. "[I'll miss you too, Raf.]"

000

The familiar dirt of Nevada's roads was kicked up into dust by Bee's speeding vehicle mode. Bumblebee hated this. He hated his attachment to Earth and to humans and fragile organics. He hated how much it hurt for him to think about how everyone he loved in this little dusty Nevada town had a god damned expiration date, set far too soon by a cruel, _cruel_ higher power.

Everything hurt. His spark burned through him as he drove furiously down a path he never wanted to go anywhere near. A cold rush of washed over him. _Please, God, don't be dead. You can't be dead so soon. You don't deserve that, Rafael._ He hoped, harder than he'd ever hoped for anything before, that he wouldn't see his closest friend's name on a gravestone before he saw it one last time on an _incoming call_ display on his comms system.

Bee slowed down contemplatively as he neared the cemetery. He didn't want to see it. He couldn't. He thought about just turning around and not coming back. Running away and blocking out Jasper entirely, because the universe couldn't stand the concept of him being happy.

Two AM. Whereabouts. He dimmed his headlights, settling himself somewhere nearby. Bumblebee flicked the holoavatar on again. It felt morbid, almost. Upsetting.

He reached in the backseat of his idle vehicle mode, pulling out the little lookalike of an RC car. For old times' sake, and for memory's as well.

Being in Nevada again meant silence. Bumblebee had forgotten how quiet the deserts were, how somber and lonely they felt at night. The dim glow that radiated from the unsteadily projected holoavatar was enough to light a path and maybe make out a few names, if he got close enough to read them.

He didn't want to get close enough.

Walking through a human cemetery was weird. Bee had never really had a reason to mourn a human.

Suddenly, he caught a glimpse of a name and froze. He dropped the toy car and its controller down near some long-since wilted flower bouquets, covering his face and feeling the template start to get even less stable.

" _Oh_."

The avatar let out a long involuntary screech reminiscent of old dial-up, and started corrupting violently.

"No. No, no–" It flickered off and on a few times, the voice becoming less steady. Bee turned it off manually, jolting back into his frame and transforming back into his root mode on impulse. He stared at the ground, covering his mouth with hands. " _No_."

Bumblebee sat frozen for God knows how long, occasionally starting to turn his head back for another look, but thinking better of it and jerking straight back to look at the ground.

"I'm so sorry, Raf."

000 000 000

"[ _No one lives forever, but memories can live on, you know?_ ]"

The drive back from Nevada was bitter and silent. No upbeat nostalgic music, not even a fraction of the first drive's enthusiasm. It felt like he'd been betrayed. Sand blowing around him was usually refreshing, but now the grains dug into him like daggers.

"[ _How could I forget you, kiddo?_ ]"

Bee felt like his spark was collapsing in on itself. He found the files for the Raf holoavatar in his coding and deleted them without a second thought. He's gone now. 

_"[I won't let anything happen to you.]"_

He didn't want to blame himself. It wasn't his fault. Still, though, Bumblebee undeniably blamed himself for not fulfilling the promises he'd made to protect Raf. He hadn't even _visited_ after he'd gone back to Cybertron. _Years_ passed where Bee would consider driving down to Nevada to visit, but he _always_ reconsidered, because there would _always_ be more time.

He guessed he just didn't want to consider an option where there wasn't.

_"[I'll miss you too, Raf.]"_


End file.
